Blue-Candy-B almost died
Saturday, Dec. 14, 2002, 7:50 A.M.

I just got home from work and I'm still shaking. I don't think I can go to bed now. I almost died coming home from work this morning. The roads are so bad here, and the road that I have to drive out of work on (about a mile long) was unplowed and there was 5" of snow on it and a layer of ice underneath. To the one side, there is no guard rail and a cliff (straight down). I was going about 2 mph. and my back end of my car was shaking and sliding. I had a panic attack half way down and couldn't breathe because there are curves in that road and it was so slippery. Oh god all that was running through my mind was visions of my back end sliding and me going backwards over the cliff. And I thought about how much I love Adam, and how I didn't want to die because I just wanted to come home and cuddle with him. And then I started to think about what they would tell him when they called and said I was dead. Oh I was so fucking scared. I'm still shaking and I can't get the thought of death out of my head, even though I am safe and sound in my living room (thank god). I just kept thinking of how much I love Adam, and that's what helped me keep the car in control. Otherwise I probably would have panicked even more and went over the cliff. I can't say that "C" word anymore or I'm gonna have another panic attack. They say that right before you think you're going to die, your whole life flashes before your eyes. But that's not true. Only one person flashed before my eyes, and that was Adam.. I am crying now because I realized in that car that he was the most important thing to me and the thought of losing him makes me so sad. What I thought about in that car was how much I love Adam, and the things we've done together. I thought about how cute I thought he was the first day we met, and how happy I was whenever we got back together after our breakup. I thought about how sweet he is to me every day, and how he cheers me up just by telling me that I am different. I thought about how nothing else mattered to me in that car but getting home so that I could see him lying in bed sleeping.

I can't stop shaking.

I'm going to go to bed now, and try to get some sleep.