The hands of time strangle me once again
Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2003, 10:22 P.M.

I just recieved the worst news, and I'm trying to be strong. I really am. I'm trying to hold the tears back, even though I cried the whole way home...and the tears keep flowing down my cheeks, they can't dry up.

My mam (grandmother) has alzheimer's disease.

This woman has raised me my whole life when both of my parents have worked. She's taken care of me when I was sick, held my hand whenever I was crying, has seen me through the best and worst times of my life.

And she's dying inside.

They brought her home from the hospital today. Tonight Adam and I went to see how she was doing and my grandfather told me the news. It was sad to see how much she had already regressed from just being in the hospital for the couple days. It was even sadder seeing her husband of 60 years feed her peaches and give her medicine. They have been the most loving couple. They have held hands and been so sweet to each other all these years. I was choking back the tears....I could hardly breathe...and I can hardly breathe as we speak. I can't deal with this. I don't know how I can deal with this. We went to leave and I looked at Pap (my grandfather) and he had tears in his eyes. I lost it. I hugged him and told him to be strong. I hugged Mam and went out to the car. I hyperventilated for about 2 miles down the road, then pulled off because I was crying so hard I couldn't see the highway.

I feel so empty and scared.

The thing that makes this even worse is that I work in a nursing home. A nursing home that is 90% Dementia and Alzheimers. I see these people get worse and worse. I see family members coming in and crying. I see these people regress...and get worse...and go to the hospital...and die. I see people with Alzheimers. Now I have to see these people and know that is what my grandma is going to be like in the near future.

I don't know if I can stop crying.

I don't know if this will ever pass.

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